


Cookie Methodology

by hawberries



Category: Tiger & Bunny
Genre: Gen, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-08
Updated: 2013-02-08
Packaged: 2017-11-28 14:47:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/675590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawberries/pseuds/hawberries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barnaby eats an Oreo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cookie Methodology

“ _What_ are you _doing_ ,” said Kotetsu.

Barnaby paused, his hand halfway to his mouth, and gave Kotetsu a very dry look.

“I’m eating a biscuit,” he said, as he might explain a basic logical fallacy to a very young child. Kotetsu swept his papers aside dramatically, sending reports and magazines alike spiralling to the ground, and marched in five determined strides to Barnaby’s desk.

“What you are eating is no mere _biscuit_ ,” he declared. “You are about to consume an _Oreo_ , the cookie of the gods. This is the confection they serve in the Paradise of Ultimate Bliss! And what’s more,” he added, glaring at Barnaby, “you were about to eat it _incorrectly_.”

Barnaby gave him an even drier look. In doing so, he achieved a level of sarcastic disbelief as yet unreached by mankind, and so allowed himself a brief moment of pride. Then followed a long stretch of pointed silence.

“It is a biscuit,” he said at last, tiring of Kotetsu’s self-righteous face. “There cannot be a right or wrong way to eat a biscuit. Besides,” he pressed as Kotetsu opened his mouth, “I’ve always eaten Oreos like this.”

Kotetsu reeled away from him as if scalded, one heart pressed to his breast, an expression of overblown horror on his face. Barnaby had time to feel the headache stirring in the back of his head before Kotetsu had plucked the cookie out of his grasp. He pointed it at him in what he probably thought was an impressive manner.

“You officially haven’t lived yet,” he informed Barnaby. “I refuse to have a partner who’s never had a proper Oreo. Get your ass to the kitchen, Bunny. We need to educate you.”

“What will it take for you to start acting your age?” groaned Barnaby, collapsing back in his seat.

* * *

In the end, Kotetsu fetched a glass of milk to Barnaby’s desk while Barnaby regretted ever purchasing those Oreos. Also: accepting Kotetsu as a partner. Also: being born.

“Okay, the law of Oreo-eating is _twist, lick, dip_ ,” said Kotetsu cheerfully, plucking up a cookie.

“You’re giving me lines from the last porno you watched,” said Barnaby flatly.

“I am not!” Kotetsu said, indignant. “Listen, you fun-deprived, joy-phobic rabbit, Oreos are an _art form_. Twist, lick, dip are the words by which every child of our generation lived! Look, I’ll show you—”

He grasped one half of the cookie sandwich in either hand and deftly twisted it in two. The sugary white filing clung to one half.

“That’s twist,” he explained. “Then you lick the stuffing off.” He did so, while Barnaby glanced away in disgust. “And finally, you dip this half in milk—” he dunked the freshly-licked half in the milk up to his fingertips—“and you eat it!”

He crunched up the cookie and flung his hands out in a ta-da! gesture, beaming.

Barnaby snorted despite himself. “I think your nine-year-old daughter is more mature than you.”

“Hey! Kaede _loves_ Oreos,” Kotetsu scowled. “Because she’s a _normal, happy_ and _well-adjusted_ child.” He stood up with a huff. “Come on, li’l bunny! Just try one! Your life will be revolutionised. On my honour.”

“You have none,” said Barnaby mildly, but reached for a cookie anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry about how pointless this was.
> 
> (Originally posted to tumblr 27/February, 2012)


End file.
